Marathon

It's a Monday. Sitting in the library. Sipping my cold coffee that I got from bookworm. Trying to push myself by listening to music. Doesn't work that much. Need to finish this thesis. It's my last days as a phd student at uconn. I have worked on it for months. Days and nights. I feel tired. A bit. I feel stagnant. Like nothing matters. Life goes on. Why can't I push myself?

Sometimes my killer self doesn't come out. Who cares? This coffee is cold. The coffee at bookworm is always cold. Why can't they make it hot? 

What is strong? Is it physique? Is it the character? Is it when you know you are weak and tired to run then you decide to run more? Not caring if you die or not.

These day my life feels like a marathon. My last breathes. why does anyone need a phd? why is it that a human being needs to wait decades to get to a point that just start experiencing the "real" world?

Aerosmith is singing Dream on in pandora. 

p.s. 

1- I didn't really censor myself for this post at all. I'm sure Google and Facebook are very loyal to my privacy.

2- what's all about this Iran and US oil and nuclear power tension? Another war? Neither side is ready for such thing. Both will loose. 

3- Power. Resources. Oil. Why can't we have a win-win situation in macro economical perspective? Why do we have win-loose all the time in the history? Why can't we grow, prosper, and become rich without making other people miserable?
4- Back to reality. Eminem is singing Lose Yourself
5- There is no tomorrow.

women who run with the wolves

1.
Golshifte Farahani is one of the most famous Iranian actresses. After playing in "Body of Lies 2008" by Ridley Scott with DiCaprio as a lead actor, she was banned to leave the country. Since then she's stayed in Paris and continued her career there.
She was banned to even go to Iran after posing nude for a french magazine as a protest to repression, and appearing topless  in a black and white short movie by Jean-Baptiste Mondino, called Corps et Âmes, or Bodies and Souls. 


2.
There are women, very few, who aren't defined by society, laws, religion or any other structures. It shouldn't be mistaken by promiscuity. Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes these women in her book "women who run with the wolves" as "Within every woman there is a wild and natural creature, a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. Her name is Wild Woman, but she is an endangered species. Though the gifts of wildish nature come to us at birth, society's attempt to "civilize" us into rigid roles has plundered this treasure, and muffled the deep, life-giving messages of our own souls. Without Wild Woman, we become over-domesticated, fearful, uncreative, trapped. "
These women often pair with men of their types who is looking for liberation from all those imposed forms, in their path from laws to becoming legends. They are called " the women with the golden hair" by Robert Bly in his book, "Iron John".

3.
what happens to an artist who loses her audience? What would happen to a poet who had to leave his own culture, his own audiences, unwillingly, because of either political or social complication of the society. How do they influence people even though they are in exile? How extreme can they play with structures? traditions? years and years of believes?

Dream

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."

-T. E. Lawrence

Room 1612

It was 4th of July and a long weekend. For the first time after 5 years, I decided to visit new york city as a tourist! No conference, no talk, no staying with friends at night and no concert. A pure solitude - sort of.
It was a Sunday and I tired myself of walking down Manhattan on Broadway, and coming up on Bowery. The city was quite empty and experiencing the same sentiment.  Something like Tehran in new year days.

After dinner, while sipping my old fashion drink which I don't remember its name, I was reading this book:Dali: Genius, Obsession and Lust. I found it randomly in Adrian's book shop - a close friend of mine who just started his business.

The book fascinated me with all those surreal and creative paintings and their relations with Dali's sexuality, desire, fears, lust and thoughts.

Almost at the end of the book, there is a photo of him painting "Gala looking at the Mediterranean Sea" in St. Regis hotel in new york- surprisingly just two blocks away from my hotel after I checked it on my iphone's google map.

No Sir, Room 1612 does not exist anymore, said the head of receptionist at St Regis hotel the next morning with a big smile, she hardly could hide her surprise, pride and happiness. Yes he did paint it there on 1975, but the hotel has had so many renovations after that. We just didn't keep the room.  

Left hook

I have "known" him for some 4 years and so. He is a constant customer at starbucks like me. He always declares his reality by shouting your name in the middle of the crowd and gives you a warm greeting. Often wearing colorful dresses, he shows a unique sense of style which is a bit out of ordinary comparing to other american fellows around here. With an orange-ish copper mug in his hand, he sips his coffee and talks.
During these years, we have had some short shallow conversations which I thought those were the only subjects I could talk about with him: his bike, mercedes, his cat, and...
Suddenly today, he pointed to the wall and caught me off guard: Hey Hami, those are my prints. I do that in my free time. I gotta go...

سیم هایی که نباید قطع شوند

بالاخره بعد سه سال سیستم صوتی ماشینمو عوض کردم...فقط پخششو، نه بلندگوها یا بیسش...پخش قبلیو خودم در آوردم، با ذوق و شوق زیاد، مثل دانشجوی پزشکی که اولین بار کالبد شکافی می کنه و یه قلب واقعی می بینه...انبوهی از سیمهای رنگ وارنگ با خط چین های مختلف...سیستم صوتی ماشینم که 13 سال از عمرش میگذره و یه چهل، پنجاه مایل دیگه میتونستی بری ماه و بیاری تو خونه، اونقدر پیچیده بود که با همه ادعایی که داشتم بعد قطع کردن کلی سیم بالاخره دست از پا کوتاه تر تسلیم شدم و بردمش دادم دست اهل فن !!! کلی افسوس خوردم که چرا اینهمه مکانیک خوندم، باید از اول الکترونیکی چیزی می خوندم....

بعد اینکه تحویلش گرفتم با وجود همه قشنگی صداش و جذابیتش، باهاش غریبم هنوز...انگار به یه سفینه فضایی وارد سیارم شده..به زمان بیشتری نیاز دارم تا باهاش اخت شم.
   

wind

To a friend for her birthday,

Green like our people;
Free like wind: our minds;
"Black" 'n white like a "dove": our souls.

Storrs, CT
Spring 2011